Bad Mom Confession

So, I have attention issues. I was never able to focus on one thing for very long. I used to do my homework in front of the TV, with whatever book I was reading sitting right next to me. Mom says she used to hate seeing me do this, until one day she asked me what was going on in the show I was watching, what I was doing for homework (and to explain it to her), and what was going on in the book I was reading - and I could tell her all three. Here's how it worked - I could do math or fill in the blanks on worksheets without paying 100% attention to it, so there was the homework + TV. I hated commercials and could block out the noise, so I would read my book during those. See? Efficient!

This has served me well almost anywhere I've worked. This does not serve me well in breast feeding.

I signed up for weekly e-mails from BabyCenter so I could get little tidbits of info on baby development. Each week a panel of pediatricians and child psychologists answer a question. Last week, the question was:

Is it OK to nurse my baby with the TV on?

I debated whether or not to read the answers. I don't necessarily watch TV while nursing, but...um. Let's just say the Little Man is nursing right now. I can't just sit there for 30 minutes and watch him eat. I just can't. I've tried. But I get bored. I do check in on him and make eye contact and talk to him when he's interested. But really, a lot of the time he's all business and focused on eating. Or he's using me as a pacifier and falls asleep. Or, well, I just need more sensory input than 30 minutes of staring at an infant can provide me.

So there it is. Bad Mom Confession: I have to have something else to do while I nurse my son. He's going to grow up disturbed and angry because of it. Or not. I figure we're pretty well bonded even if I don't focus 100% of my attention on him every time he nurses.

Oh, and I did read the answers. General consensus is that unless you have something else you HAVE to be doing (like reading a story to an older child or taking an important call) you should be spending each and every feeding holding, talking to, and bonding with your child.

Oh well.

Work-out Wednesday

So I officially skipped a running session. Saturday. I just wasn't feeling it until it was too late.

BUT in my defense, it was the first week that the Saturday run was introduced. So I ran just as many days as I had each week before. It's a cop-out, I know. But I don't think it's as egregious as it could have been.

Then there was Tuesday. It was, uh, raining. So I did Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred (level 1) instead. Holy crap did that kick my ass. By the end of the 20 minutes I wanted to bite someone's head off...but I was too tired.

All in all, it's going pretty well. The scale is going in the right direction, even if my clothes aren't quite all fitting yet. I resurrected my Spark People membership to keep track of my progress, and in the process decided to use the measuring tape as another way of tracking my goals.

I am 2 inches away from my pre-pregnancy size...in both hips and waist. So close!

OH OH OH!! Also, the community pool opens up this weekend. Starting next week I'm going to try to take one of my non-running days to go swimming. We'll see how that works out with the baby care. This one might have to wait until summer break starts (2 weeks away!!).

I'm too tired to look up all my goals, so this summary is from memory. Sorry. I blame Jillian.

• Check in here: Check.
• Water intake: so-so. Some days were awesome, others were mediocre.
• Portion control: I was really good with this one this week, for the most part.
• Veggies: Could have done better, but I've packed a salad for school most days. I call this a win.
• Training: missed a day, but did every other day. When it rained I did the 30 Day Shred.
• Weight Training: Started a program on Sunday and have stuck to it for a whole 3 days. Check?
• Soda: I've stayed strong but had HUGE cravings for some soda this week. Megacheck.

Work-out schedule for the week:

Today: strength training 20ish minutes.

Thursday: Walk 2 minutes, jog 5 minutes, repeat 4 times. Strength training afterwards.

Friday: strength training 20 minutes

Saturday: Walk 2 minutes, jog 5 minutes, repeat 4 times. Strength training afterwards.

Sunday: Walk 2 minutes, jog 8 (!!) minutes, repeat 4 times. Strength training afterwards.

Monday: Strength training 20 minutes

Tuesday: Walk 2 minutes, jog 8 minutes, repeat 4 times. Strength training afterwards.

See? I'm trying to add in new things as my fitness levels improve. Go me! ::pats self on back::

As for progress...nothing seems too different this week. I'm down another 1/2 pound on the scale, but I don't like to use that as a measure. The same clothes are fitting, so at least I'm not going backwards. Here's hoping we can get a good routine going just adding things in slowly...

Reverse Mom/Work Guilt

I've heard a lot of moms mention mom guilt. I'm feeling some of it - I could do a lot of things better than I am doing. I should spend less time in front of the computer and more time interacting with my son. I should spend more time helping out my husband with household duties. I should step in and rock the Little Man to sleep more nights. I should worry less about working out and getting some semblance of my pre-pregnancy body back. I should do about a million things.

But one thing I refuse to guilt myself over is working. I support the family, and that's damned important if you ask me. I've always been the primary earner in this relationship, so it just makes sense that I go back to work. Do I wish I could stay home all day with my family? Of course, but that's not realistic and unless we come into a whole truckload of surprise inheritance from a previously unknown wealthy relative or win the lottery it's just not going to happen.

I do feel work-related guilt, though. From the other side. As a teacher, I care about all of my students. In my former life I would spent a lot of my time outside of work thinking about them and what I can do to help them in class, help them outside of class, help them develop and grow into adults. I would spend a lot of time in my own headspace thinking about tweaks I could make to my class that could make things run better. Now, I spend far less time doing that. I still care deeply about my students and I do spend time trying to fine-tune my style and my class...but once I get home my brain is on my own Little Man.

But every morning when I walk in and I remember something I had been planning on "fixing" in my brain that I just forgot about overnight, I feel guilty. My students get less of me because of my home responsibilities. My world has changed and theirs hasn't. I still stay after my contract time is over at work...but not as long as before. I still bring work home, but I don't focus on it as much as I did before. I still think about my students at home, but not to the same depth and as soon as the Little Man needs me for anything work vanishes from my brain.

I'm hoping that part of this is that I have a combination of being a new mother, a new teacher, and it's the end of the school year. I'm hoping that a new school year starting up in July will bring more balance. I'm hoping that I can continue to be a good teacher AND a good mom. And if all that hoping gets me nowhere, then I'd better find a way to make it work because this is the life we've got and I've gotta make it the best one I can give; to my son and to my students.

New Mom Work Frustration

In my former life, I used to bring work home to do. I'm a teacher, and there just isn't enough time in a regular work day to get it all finished. At least, not during the first few years teaching. I'm sure once I get a regular schedule, an actual curriculum, and some more tricks up my sleeve it'll be a different story, but for now...nope. Not a chance.

I knew ahead of time that throwing a newborn into the mix would complicate my whole relationship with work. I would love it a little less, or at least be more inclined to leave it AT work, which would really bite me in the butt when deadlines come due. I knew that when I would need to bring work home it would be more difficult to get it done - you can tell the internet or a favorite TV program to wait an hour or two. Not so much with an infant.

Oh, but how much more difficult it would be I wouldn't find out until the actual time came.

My first foray into working from home came Tuesday night. I had a meeting to prep for the next day, my final formal observation in the morning. and just a couple of things to get done. No problem, I'd just stay up a wee bit later. Actually, that night happened to be no problem. Until 4 AM when the Little Man decided that that would be an awesome time to wake up for the day. I dragged myself into work, muddled through my observation (which went horribly), muddled through my meeting, and then muddled through the rest of the day when I realized...hooooo boy I have another last-minute-meeting set up for the next morning. And this one would take a lot more work.

I stayed after school a couple of hours to get as much done there as possible. I got home, spent time with my kid and then...the Little Man decided not to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. He was hungry. And we're low enough on our milk storage that I couldn't just ask my husband to pop a bottle in his mouth so I could get my work done. So I stayed up a couple of hours later than I would have liked to, finishing up the documents for this meeting.

The Little Man again woke up at 4AM. I cried.

No really, I did.

But I dragged myself into work at the usual time, got through the first part of the day, when the student whose parents I would be meeting with came up to me.

"My parents can't come today." He said.

"What." I replied. I didn't even make it a question. Just a vocal tic of disbelief.

"My brother got called in to work and my mom doesn't drive."

"Get on the phone, call them, and see if there's anything we can do." I said (his family does not speak English). I didn't mention this before, but I feel it's a key part of the story: the English-speaking brother and the kid's mother had showed up on Tuesday in person to schedule this meeting and they chose Thursday to meet.

I couldn't believe that I had stayed up so late on so little sleep, spent time away from my son in my own house, and worked so hard to prepare for this meeting just for the parents to flake out.

He called, and I got my answer: believe it. Meeting rescheduled for the next week.

Now it's Saturday afternoon. I have more work to do, this time writing my final exam and my review activities. Since waking up this morning at 7 (thank you, Little Man!) I have gotten precisely ONE page finished.

The kid won't nap. Ok, let me amend that. The kid won't nap for more than 15-20 minutes unless I'm holding him. The rest of the time he's hungry, wet, bored, or needs to burp. The landlord is coming by tomorrow to clear the lot for fire season, so my husband is outside doing some last-minute yard work. So it's just me and the Little Man inside hanging out. Why am I not working on my final now? Because as I'm typing this, the baby is asleep on the boppy on my lap, and I know that the moment I put him down he'll wake right up. It's been happening all morning.

It's a learning process. I'll learn to get my work done during his micro-naps. He'll learn to sit contentedly (or maybe not so contentedly) while I make myself a sandwich or fold some laundry in-between naps. It's all a dance and I'm just learning the steps. Just please don't change the beat before summer vacation or I might have a meltdown.

Work-out Wednesday

It's been a very good week over here. I managed to get into a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans this week with a minimum of muffin-top going on! I also cheated and looked at the scale, and I'm now 4 lbs away from my weight at the first doctor visit of the pregnancy. I'm also pretty close to being able to wear my former favorite pair of jeans. I'm so excited!

The walk/jog thing is going really well, too. I've been finding that my Sunday jogs are HELL and I feel like dying afterwards. Then Tuesday rolls around and I'm feeling slightly better...and then Thursday I'm able to finish the walk/jog pretty comfortably. Lather, rinse, repeat. So of course this is the week where things get more intense - I go 4 days instead of 3.

So here's the rundown for the week...

• Check in here. Check.
• Drink 64 oz of water. Check! I did it this week! It might not have been every day, but I've upped my intake enough that I can really feel the difference.
• Portion control. Check. I even held myself back for spaghetti tonight. So proud.
• Vegetables. Check! I've actually been really good about this one this week.
• Soda. Still haven't had any. I'm going to actually cut this goal out starting next week. I think we have a handle on this one.
• Train for 5k. Check. Still haven't missed a workout - sorta. I skipped Thursday last week, but made it up on Friday.
• Weight training. Still fail. BUT I decided that I'm going to add things in slowly. Like how this week we're adding in a Saturday walk/jog. I'll do that for a week or 2. Then add in weight training. Then I'll add in some other form of exercise on my non-jogging days. I vote for swimming, because a) swimming is awesome, and b) it gets really hot during the summer where I live.

Training Schedule for the week:

Thursday: walk 3 minutes, jog 4 minutes. Repeat 4 times

Saturday: walk 3 minutes, jog 4 minutes. Repeat 4 times.

Sunday: walk 2 minutes, jog 5 minutes. Repeat 4 times.

Tuesday: walk 2 minutes, jog 5 minutes. Repeat 4 times.

Men love babies, too

On Saturday I had to go to a workshop to finish up my first year of BTSA (Beginning Teacher Support and Assessment) for my teaching credential. My support provider and I agreed to meet at Starbucks and caravan to the workshop. We also decided to bring the Little Man with us, partly to avoid having to use the lunch break to pump in the bathroom, but also because he's freaking adorable and thirdly because my support provider figured that we would be allowed to power through the paperwork faster if we had a baby in tow. (Don't worry, we cleared the baby thing with the BTSA people ahead of time, so we didn't show up to a professional function with a surprise baby).

I got to Starbucks far earlier than my support provider did, and I learned something: men love babies, too.

At one table there was a group of about 6 middle-aged men. While I was waiting for my latte to come up, one of them called over, "Excuse me, ma'am, but you have a baby on your chest." (the Little Man was hanging out in our Moby). I laughed and feigned surprise to see him sitting in there. The other men joined in.

"How old is he?"

"What's his name?"

"He's a good looking baby."

..and so on. I was kind of tickled to see a group of men interested in a baby.

And then a group of 4 young men walked in. A couple of them looked at the baby (now asleep) and asked all the same questions, and made the obligatory, "He's so cute," comments. I judged these guys to be a bit younger than me. They looked to be either in college or fresh out of it. Again, I was tickled.

...and then we got to the workshop. More male teachers came up and made comments than the women.

It was a fun day, and definitely blew apart my preconceived notions about what demographics would be most interested in a little baby.

So far we have old ladies and men of a variety of ages.

The Little Man, Month 2

Well, Little Man, we've made it to 2 months. I can't believe how much you've grown already, and how much you are able to do. It's been so fun seeing your little personality emerge over the last two months.

• Having Mom or Dad help you sit up is really fun.
• You're "talking" to us more and more every day.
• Music soothes your soul, even if it is just Mom and Dad singing to you sometimes.
• "When I'm 64" is a particular favorite. As is anything by the Counting Crows
• You love to pull yourself to sit using Mom or Dad's hands. It's damn amazing to see.
• You've perfected that "Mom, you're crazy," look.
• Tummy time is still awful, but you're getting so good at it. And it's still MUCH better tummy-to-tummy with Mom.
• Waking up is so hard, but if Mom or Dad are there to greet you, you're all smiles.
  
• Rolling over from tummy to back is freaking scary.
• I swear sometimes you're on the verge of laughing and it makes me so happy and yet nostalgic at the same time.
• You love being propped up standing, and you're even bearing some weight on those chubby legs. Such a strong boy.
• The cameras are fascinating, but I sometimes wonder if you're as annoyed with the paparazzi as an A-list celebrity is.
• You are an incorrigible flirt with the teenage girls. Gonna have to keep an eye on you...
• The way your face lights up for a moment when I get home from work melts my heart. Every.damn.time.
• You're starting to play with us, and that is so exciting. We are going to have such fun good times, you and Daddy and I.

I'm so proud of you, kid.