Returning to Work

I had my 6 week postpartum checkup yesterday.

Side note: I highly recommend reminding the doctor about the lube before the pelvic exam, just in case he or she forgets. Trust me. Yeowtch.

I've been OKed to return to work on Monday. How has it been 6 weeks already?

Bit of history: I've struggled with depression for many, many years. Typically it pops up when I spend a lot of time at home. In fact my healthiest time, mentally, was when I was going to school full time and working three jobs (one full-time and two part-time). Too much time at home makes mama go, well, crazy.

Because of this I had always assumed that if or when I had kids I would need to continue working if only for sanity's sake. I had figured that if I worked I would ironically be more available to my kids because I would have less time to dwell in a negative mindframe and thus have more emotional energy for the kids.

Now I'm in a situation where I have to work. I'm the main source of income for the family so there isn't a choice.

Every time I think about it I want to cry. Since the Little Man was born I have been there for the diaper changes, the feedings, I've soothed him when he cried, I saw his first smile (at me!), I've bathed him, held him, loved him 24 hours a day. Starting a week from yesterday I have to give away 9 of those hours to someone else. I'm so sad that I might miss his first laugh, the first time he rolls over, crawls, walks, his first word. Even though I know he's too young to have this thought or feeling I worry that he'll think I'm abandoning him all day, that I prefer to be away from him while I'm at work.

It hasn't been a vacation staying at home. The Little Man is a demanding task master. As my husband puts it, "Having a child is the heaviest burden you never want to put down." I never knew how true that statement is until only six weeks ago.